I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you had me at cake vodka
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize