she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
