dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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