i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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