I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
