I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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