I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I AM VODKA MAN
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
