So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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