Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
