So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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