Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
