He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
