i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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