just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
