I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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