I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
