The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
