Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
