Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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