I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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