I got chris browned last night
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
