i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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