my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
