Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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