Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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