Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
