I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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