i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize