Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
