guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
