we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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