how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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