That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
