Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
