i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
