Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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