Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
