my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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