I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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