you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
