Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
