I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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