I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
