The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
