Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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