I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
