Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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