Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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