Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
