I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
