Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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