Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
