Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
