My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize