Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
