i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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