i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
