Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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