so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
