Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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