Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
