When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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