I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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