the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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